Non-Answers Part 2

Is There An Afterlife?

Non-Answers Part 1

Questions My Son Asked Me, Answers I Never Gave Him Nancy Willard

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1. Do Gorillas have birthdays? Yes. Like the rainbow, they happen. Like the air, they are not observed. 2. Do butterflies make a noise? The wire in the butterfly's tongue hums gold. Some men hear butterflies even in winter. 3. Are they part of our family? They forgot us, who forgot how to fly. 4. Who tied my navel? Did God tie it? God made the thread: O man, live forever! Man made the knot: enough is enough. 5. If I drop my tooth in the telephone will it go through the wires and bite someone's ear? I have seen earlobes pierced by a tooth of steel. It loves what lasts. It does not love flesh. It leaves a ring of gold in the wound. 6. If I stand on my head will the sleep in my eye roll up into my head? Does the dream know its own father? Can bread go back to the field of its birth? 7. Can I eat a star? Yes, with the mouth of time that enjoys everything. 8. Could we Xerox the moon? This is the first commandment: I am the moon, thy moon. Thou shalt have no other moons before thee. 9. Who invented water? The hands of the air, that wanted to wash each other. 10. What happens at the end of numbers? I see three men running toward a field. At the edge of the tall grass, they turn into light. 11. Do the years ever run out? God said, I will break time's heart. Time ran down like an old phonograph. It lay flat as a carpet. At rest on its threads, I am learning to fly.

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Chase's View on Valentines Day

Valentine's Day: A Historical Approach

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Yesterday at 5:59pm

As Valentine's Day rapidly approaches, I yet again find myself drowning in the misery of this ridiculous holiday. The main reason for my disdain is the fact that this day FORCES innocent people, such as myself, to come up with creative, romantic plans that are supposed to convey feelings of adoration to a significant other (or a random person if you're that bold). Those of you who are reading this and are feeling a sense of betrayal to your glorious holiday may be saying, "Why, Chase is just lazy and he doesn't want to get off his butt and do anything." To those people I cry, "That's NOT true!" (Much like Coach Gundy of Oklahoma State University) My reasoning, as stated before, is that this day forces males (emphasis on males) to be romantic, while most of us go out of our way to be romantic once in a while anyway. For example, let's say a man buys a dozen roses this Valentine's Day for his girlfriend. Is she not expecting this? Is there not a little hint of, "I totally saw this coming?" in her voice when she says thank you? Now let's look at another setting. It's a Thursday night, much like any other Thursday night, when she hears a soft tap, tap, tapping on her door. As she opens the door she is greeted by a warm hug and a dozen roses by that special man in her life. Now I ask, "Is she not seven million times more surprised AND pleased by these flowers than the ones she got on Valentine's Day?" All I'm trying to say is that Valentine's Day is sucking out the romantic surprises that are so few in the minds of men, not to mention the money out of our wallets.

And now on to a second complaint that I have about this atrocity that is ever apparent in our lives. Why is Valentine's Day basically an extra birthday for every woman in the world? Why is it the men who have to be creative and romantic Valentine's Day in and Day out? Why have us men allowed this activity to go on for so long? Well, I have an answer for you and to explain, I will be taking us back through the annals of history...

According to Wikipedia (my favorite, and most accurate, historical archive), Valentine's Day was established in 496AD, which means that men have been subjected to this female tyranny for about, well, let's just say forever. As we fast forward through time, we stumble upon a social phenomenon known as The Women's Rights movement (in America), which really got noticed in 1848 at the Seneca Falls Convention, and finally achieved Women's Suffrage in 1920 when the Nineteenth Amendment was put into action in the U.S. Constitution. By looking at this portion of our history, I realized that for the past ninety years, Valentine's Day (and its female disciples) has been forcing men all over America to break the law! By submitting to the norms set forth by the women in our lives, us men are completely ignoring the Nineteenth Amendment by not allowing women to have equal rights in the romantic creativity and planning that forms the foundation of Valentine's Day. Therefore I say let us stand up for Women's Rights and ban together and allow the women to plan this year's Valentine's Day and the next eighty-nine Valentine's Days to provide reparations for our insensitive acts over the past century! So I encourage you men who have stuck through this long-winded note to stay on that couch, play your video games, watch the Super Bowl, and mentally prepare for the Olympics while your women call for restaurant reservations, buy you a bacon bouquet, and clean your house out of the kindness and affection in their hearts!

Footnote: Do not be surprised if you see another note by me in the next week or so explaining how my life is going while I accept being single again, and most likely for the rest of my life.